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This chapter focuses on reducing self-sabotaging patterns in romantic relationships. The author provides strategies for committed, non-abusive couples in long-term relationships to identify and modulate their self-defeating behaviors. The author emphasizes the importance of having a positive bond and increasing positive interactions in order to improve relationship satisfaction.

The author states that reducing arguments should not be the main focus for couples who argue frequently. Instead, couples should aim to increase positive exchanges and have at least five positive interactions for every one negative exchange. The author provides a flowchart showing the negative spiral that occurs when a couple’s positive bond is low and they withhold warm and loving behaviors, leading to more arguments and a decrease in cooperative spirit. Conversely, the positive spiral occurs when couples act positively towards each other, which leads to an increase in their positive bond and healthier arguments.

To help couples increase their positive bond, the author suggests a micro-action plan experiment. The plan includes 21 simple and quick ideas for increasing positive interactions, such as calling your partner by an affectionate nickname, telling jokes, or giving a six-second hug. The author encourages couples to go outside their comfort zone and adapt the suggestions to their own preferences.

The chapter also discusses the importance of personal growth in relationships. At the start of a relationship, individuals often experience growth through their partner’s influence. However, as the relationship progresses, this growth can stall. The author suggests ways to reinvigorate growth, such as engaging in deep and meaningful self-disclosure or turning tension into an opportunity for growth through perspective-taking.

Perspective-taking is described as a multi-tool technique for dissolving relationship tension. It involves considering the other person’s perspective, recognizing one’s own biases, and choosing more effective behaviors for influencing the partner. The author provides an experiment for practicing perspective-taking, which involves describing a situation from one’s own point of view, the partner’s point of view, and a neutral observer’s point of view.

In the last section of the chapter, the author encourages readers to reflect on the strengths of their relationship and identify areas for improvement. The author also suggests answering questions to check the depth of understanding of the chapter’s material.

Overall, this chapter provides strategies and experiments aimed at reducing self-sabotaging patterns and increasing relationship satisfaction in committed, long-term couples. The focus is on developing a positive bond, increasing positive interactions, and promoting personal growth within the relationship.

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